Ups and Downs

This week has honestly been a roller coaster of emotions. My divorce was final on Tuesday. When I got word that it was done, I cried for a bit. Then I picked myself up by my boot straps and decided I was done mourning for what should have been. I've done it long enough. Life goes on and so will I, and I will thrive and life will continue to be wonderful. I LOVE roller coasters, just not emotional ones so time to just go be happy.

Friday night I went to my first singles activity after my divorce. It was a bit awkward at first, but I had a ton of fun. I met some great people and even ran in to a few old friends from my growing up years. I have no doubt that there will be lots of fun times with the singles branch from Cincinnati. In fact there is a temple trip next Saturday that I am already looking forward to.

Today I put up the Christmas tree with the girls and have been listening to music and getting more in the Christmas spirit. I love love LOVE Christmas time!! There is only ONE reason for this season and we need to remember it. Christ was born a perfect babe in a manger to save each and every one of us. If not for Him there would be no celebrating, no tinsel, no trees, no presents. But even so, Christmas is NOT about the presents, it is about His presence and for that in my life I will be forever grateful. I hope you and yours have a very Merry Christmas!!!

Tender Mercies

One of my favorite quotes EVER comes for Elder David A. Bednar, one of the twelve apostles of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. He said "The tender mercies of the Lord are real. They do not occur randomly or by coincidence." I see those tender mercies in my life everyday. But, today was a big one, and I want to share how grateful I am to know that my Heavenly Father is looking out for me the way He is.

This morning I went in to the school I will be attending come January. I am planning to go to nursing school so that I can provide a better life for my kids. Anyway, as I had figured it I still needed about 3 quarters worth of prerequisites before I could apply to the nursing program itself. I met with an advisor, and got signed up for the classes I (thought) I needed. Then, as the advisor suggested, I went over to chat with the director of nursing admissions. It turned out that my high school classes count and I don't need anything at all to be able to apply. That means I will shave almost a year off my schooling and might be able to start nursing school as early as this coming fall. I am still going to start back to school in January and just take some of the extras that I can take during the program or before. It really made my day and I'm so grateful for the ways that Heavenly Father blesses me in my life.

The Buckeye State

It's hard to believe that a week has already flown by in Ohio. We are getting settled in and I only have a few more boxes to unpack, thank goodness!!! The trip to get here was long, three days of driving, but so worth it in the end. There were some wonderful people from church who came to help us unload the trailer and then the real fun began. I actually really enjoy unpacking as I can organize stuff in to new places. Once I get organized completely I will post some pictures of everything. =)

It has been a BUSY week. We got here on a Tuesday and Hailey just had to start at her new school the next day. She loves it and I love her teacher. She's really sweet. They were actually having parent teacher conferences the day Hailey started, so I went in to talk to Mrs. Gaddis a bit about who Hailey is and such. The first thing she said to me was, if today was any indication, I'm just going to love your daughter! She said Hailey was so willing to help and polite that it was refreshing to see a kid so well behaved even in the midst of such a life change. Maybe that means I'm doing something right. She also said that Hailey is going in to the higher reading group that they have as she is ahead of most of her class with words she knows and things like that, so that made for a proud mommy too.

In other news, I went up to Southern State and got everything done so I can register for classes next week. Come January I will be taking ChemI, Biology and English Composition. It will be hectic, but I'm excited! If everything transfers that I am hoping, I only have 4 classes that HAVE to be finished before I can apply to nursing school. That would put me a quarter ahead of where I thought I was and that is always good news. We'll see how it goes.

I also got to go over to Wilmington for church last Sunday and it was fantastic to see so many old friends. I feel so blessed to be a part of the gospel, that it is the same no matter if I go to church in Texas, California, Utah, Ohio or Germany for that matter. The Savior is STILL the Savior and always will be. I'm so thankful to know that, to the very core of my being.

In final news, we had our first snow....the girls were absolutely mesmerized. They stood at the big bay windows in the family room and just watched the HUGE flakes fall from the sky. I hope all of you are well and feeling as blessed as I do.

Discipline and Strength

Today on the drive here, my girls were watching the movie Mulan. I love this movie for the music as well as the lessons that can be learned. For those who have seen it, this will be familiar. But for those who have not, it is about a young woman who joins the Chinese army to keep her father from having to go, and to bring honor to her family. There is so much to be learned from this movie. First, love of family over self. I think I've got that one down pretty well. I would do anything for my family, especially my girls! Sacrificing for them doesn't seem as much of a sacrifice when I get to see them happy.

Secondly, devotion to something higher than oneself. In China the best way for a woman to bring her family honor was to get married and have a son, but Mulan didn't do so hot at the matchmaker. I didn't have a matchmaker other than myself, but apparently I didn't do so hot at it either. However, I am absolutely determined to bring my family honor, most importantly my Father in Heaven. I want NOTHING more than to return to Him someday and hear him say, "Well done thou good and faithful servant". So that is the ultimate goal (there are many others along the way), now how do I reach it?

That answer is also found in the movie. At one point the Captain shoots an arrow to the top of a pole and tells the soldiers to find a way to retrieve it, but not before putting weights around their wrists that symbolize discipline and strength. He tells them they will need BOTH to retrieve the arrow. They all try, and they all fail...over and over and over again!

The same is true for us, we fall short of our goals each and every day. But, there is HOPE. The Savior made up the difference for us. We CAN succeed if we have the discipline to go after our goals and the strength to stick with it through the tough stuff. There have been times in my life when I have been sorely lacking in discipline, and I know that. But, I recently proved to myself that I DO have the self discipline to do something I really want. Now I just need to keep applying that knowledge in my every day life. The strength is another story. I rarely feel up to the tasks that lie ahead of me, especially as a single mother of three. I am responsible for these three precious spirits and I refuse to fail in that stewardship. I have heard it said that you usually don't know how strong you are until being strong is your only option. Well, now it's my only option. Except that I KNOW that I don't have to come up with that strength all alone. My Savior provides it for me each and every day. He has carried me through many a tough day in my life, and I have faith that He will continue to do so. Of that I am sure, and feel eternally blessed.

Onward and Upward

This has been a jam packed weekend! Thursday I left Killeen and went down to San Antonio for my cousin Elizabeth's graduations from BMT for the United States Air Force. I am so proud of her! I feel truly blessed to have been able to be there, the graduation ceremony was really neat (WAY cooler than the Army one)...they did all their parade stuff and there was even a fly over. Very cool!

Then I went home Saturday and packed up the trailer with the help of some wonderful friends. Pretty much everything I own is now contained in a 5x8 pull behind trailer. It is jam packed and there are a few overflow things in the car, but we got pretty much everything. Then Sunday morning I went to church and when grandpa got back from going to church with Elizabeth, we loaded up the kids to head up the road. We drove about 5 hours today and went almost 300 miles I think. Traveling is definitely more difficult and takes a lot longer with three little ones in tow, but I wouldn't trade it for anything.

I am eternally grateful to be starting my new life with everything that REALLY matters to me....Hailey, Alyssa and Kimber. The rest is just fluff when it all comes down to it. They are my life and I am so proud of them. I am grateful for the strength that Heavenly Father continues to bless me with even when I think I can't do it anymore. I know He lives and loves me and with that knowledge alone I can get through anything life may throw my way!

Last Week

Well, I'm down to seven days left in Texas. It is SO crazy and seems to be going way faster than I can get ready for and yet so slowly I want to scream! There is SO much to do this week, but it will be good and fun, especially since I get to see family that I haven't seen for a very long time! Here's what my week looks like:

Monday - make a gazillion bows, some for an awesome customer and the rest to stock my stores before I leave.

Tuesday - my grandparents are coming to see where we are with packing and what still needs done, etc.

Wednesday - Parenting Class required by the state and FINISH the packing!!!

Thursday - go down to San Antonio for my cousin's graduation from Air Force Basic. I'm REALLY proud of you Elizabeth!

Friday - graduation day and hanging out with family.

Saturday - Drive back to Hood and pack the trailer.

Sunday - church and then head off to Ohio.

WOW! I'm tired just thinking about it. But I know I will have help and the strength I get from Heavenly Father has been immeasurable. I'm so grateful for Him and the role he plays in my life. I couldn't do it with Him.

It Might Actually be Possible

I absolutely do not enjoy packing...and therefore I procrastinate it. The good news is, I work fairly well under pressure. The other good news is, it's all just stuff. There are a few things that matter to me to take along, my dad's flag, my mom's nic nacs, and my scrapbooks. Other than that, everything else can pretty much be replaced. I'm really not taking that much. I'm taking all the girls' clothes and their favorite toys. I'm taking all my craft stuff, my clothes and my favorite wall pictures. That's really it. I'm not taking any furniture, I'm not taking much kitchen stuff, and I'm not taking anything that can possibly be lived without. It is actually kind of cleansing. There are SO many times I have moved where I have boxes and boxes and boxes of useless, meaningless stuff.

I packed several more boxes today, mostly my books and scrapbooks, some clothes and I got my dining room table sold, which was a relief. I am realizing more and more that I have a lot left that I need to do, but there is time and it will get done. If it doesn't, then it doesn't....no worries. We can't take it with us anyway.

Busy Busy Busy

Lately I feel like there is just TOO much to do, always running, always behind and always overwhelmed. I have an entire house to sort through and pack only what I absolutely must take...it has to fit in a 5x10 trailer that will be pulled behind my car. That will probably mean leaving behind many things that have been a part of my life for a long time, but things are only things. I am taking all that is most important to me. I'm taking my children, I'm taking friendships, and I'm taking my faith.

I have 13 days left to tie up all the loose ends, the doctor appointments, saying goodbye to friends, finishing my divorce papers, stocking both stores that carry my bows as well as a few custom orders, packing and so many other things that need tied up. I feel like a busy busy bee. But, it is GOOD. It keeps me out of trouble, helps the time pass quickly, and gets me closer to moving forward with my life. There was a time that I would have been scared out of my mind and said, please wish me luck. That time is passed. I'm not scared and I don't need luck. I know who I am, where I belong, and where I'm going....and I know that I will have divine help and guidance in getting there because I am doing my best to do His will. I will fall short, probably daily, but I will pick myself up and try again tomorrow. And that my friends is all any of us can really do.

Bitter Sweet

My marriage will officially be over in 53 days. This is bitter sweet to me....It is hard to realize that I am human and have failed at something I wanted so badly in my life. However, I know that it will be a new beginning and that my Heavenly Father is watching out for me and has many blessings in store. I am anxious to see what lies ahead, and full of faith that I will be led down the roads and paths He wants me to take to become a better person.

I love my Savior. I KNOW He lives! I KNOW He loves me! I KNOW He died for me and I know He will carry me through whatever lies ahead. He lives to calm my troubled heart, He lives all blessings to impart.

Promises

Today I am very grateful for the promised blessings that come from our Heavenly Father. Especially the promise to carry us through the hard days and wipe away our sorrows. It rained here pretty hard this afternoon, and it seemed fitting. I swear all I do lately is cry...mostly for my girls and what they are losing when their dad and I split. But, I have been comforted more than even I could hope for. My Savior has been there every step of the way and then some. He has carried me through the days that I want to give up on and He has helped me to see that there are FAR brighter days ahead.

As a youth I learned a very valuable lesson that has always stuck with me. We were taken in to a large gymnasium at church and we began to talk about the different stages of life....where we come from, why we're here, and where we are going when it's all over. We talked about trials and how we have many in this life. But then, a piece of yarn was stretched from one end of the gym to the other, with a simple push pin placed in the middle. We were then told that this life and the trials in at are such a small portion of eternity and I know that to be true, now as much as then. This too shall pass and we will all be stronger for it.

Oh, and I LOVE the smell of rain!!!

Unwritten

I know, I KNOW....this song is old....but it still spoke to me when I heard it the other day. Specifically the chorus that says:

Staring at the blank page before you

Open up the dirty window

Let the sun illuminate the words

That you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance

So close you can almost taste it

Release your inhibitions

Feel the rain on your skin

No one else can feel it for you

Only you can let it in

No one else, No one else

Can speak the words on your lips

Drench yourself in words unspoken

Live your life with arms wide open

Today is where your book begins

The rest is still unwritten

That is precisely how I feel. It is time to move forward with my life and see what is left to be written on the pages of MY story. I know it probably won't be a fairy tale....but I will forever be a princess. You see, I'm the daughter of a King! Time to go get my happily ever after, and enjoy each day no matter what it holds.

Sparkly Poop

So yesterday (apparently) my youngest child got a hold of my bag of sparkly plastic gems that I use to embellish hair bows, scrapbook pages, or any other random craft project I happen to decide sounds fun. I took it from her, but not before she ate some of them. I learned that this morning when I changed her first diaper only to find a big clear gem in the middle of all the mess. An hour or so later, there were at least nine more in the next dirty diaper. My first thought was, oh how I wish I could poop diamonds! I even told one friend I would never get off the pot and I would gladly reach into it for the millions I would make if I were such a talented gemologist.

As the day has gone on, it actually has turned in to this odd metaphor for me. Many times in our lives we can feel like we are drowning in crap! We have financial strain, relationship issues, problems with our kids or any other number of things that can seem impossible to bear. But we can take the crap we are given in our lives and turn it right back over to the Savior and He can create diamonds, no matter how dirty the material we give him to work with. We are never beyond hope or too messed up to make something beautiful with our lives. We will have days, sometimes weeks or months, that seem unbearable but we can and MUST endure and do our best.

One of my favorite scriptures is found in Doctrine and Covenants sections 64. It says "But all things must come to pass in their time. Wherefore, be not weary in well-doing, for ye are laying the foundation of a great work. And out of small things proceedeth that which is great. Behold, the Lord requireth the heart and a willing mind; and the willing and obedient shall eat the good of the land of Zion in these last days." We can all be obedient and willing if we choose to, thus allowing Him to turn our lives, which are wasted without Him anyway, into something beautiful and precious....even more precious than diamonds.

Mission Accomplished

As frustrating as yesterday was, I was able to accomplish just as much today if not more. I went back to Gatesville again and finally got the paper work filed with the court. Even more weight fell off my shoulders and it feels great. I find myself feeling more and more like the woman I used to be, singing more, smiling more, just happy. It feels good.

Then, I came home and played with my girls, cleaned up the kitchen and filled out eight more documents that will eventually have to be presented to the court before this divorce is final. There are a few more I need to finish, but I am tired and they can wait a day or two. There is still a ton to do, packing, cleaning, moving itself. But I know it will work out the way it is supposed to because Heavenly Father is in charge and I know He will always do His part as long as I do mine. So, I will keep moving along one day, and probably some times one hour, at a time. I want anyone reading this to know that I do not wish this on anyone, nor would divorce be my choice if there was any other way. But I DO know that it is right for me and my girls now and find a lot of comfort in that knowledge. So, if I don't seem quite 'sad' enough or whatever, it is ONLY because I have the peace and comfort that can only come from a loving Savior, and I'm more grateful for that than I could ever say.

I also want everyone reading to know how much I love and appreciate all your support. It truly means the world to me. I have amazing friends and they lift and inspire me, another thing for which I feel immeasurably blessed!

A Rough Day

I know these are inevitable, but today was just exhausting. I tried to go this morning to file my divorce papers, but it took three times as long as it should have only to tell me I couldn't do it anyway. I got there just before noon only to have them tell me there was no time to do my papers because the entire court house closes for lunch. So, the girls and I went and walked around walmart for an hour, which was actually great because I needed a few things for dinner with friends tonight. Anyway, I get back to the clerk's office only to realize I forgot to have Jed sign one of the documents, and the most important one at that....the actual petition! So, I had to come home and have him go notarize it this afternoon. I get to do it all again tomorrow morning. Did I mention the county seat for our city is an hour away? Oh well, good ponder time and chat time with my silly girls. I love them big bunches!!!

I decided the day just HAD to get better and I was right! I got home and finished my friend's bow order and then that dear friend and her family came over for dinner. I made enchiladas and rice, which happens to be Hailey's favorite food ever. We also had a cinnamon streusle dessert that was delicious! That's really about all of my day, nothing terribly exciting today. I hope you had a great day.

A Weight Lifted

This might sound odd, but I truly feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders today. Ever since we made the decision to get divorced there has be so much to get done...petition papers, notary signatures, waivers, division of goods, telling the kids and the list goes on. Well, today the papers were notarized and I will go file them first thing in the morning. I know this shouldn't feel like a relief, but it does. First, you must understand that I never wanted this for my life, of course no one does. However, for several years I have not felt right and things have not been as they should be. I won't go in to details as they really don't matter. But, I do want to share a quote I found that gives me a lot of comfort. President James E. Faust said, "What, then, might be 'just cause' for breaking the covenants of marriage? I confess I do not claim the wisdom or authority to definitively state what is 'just cause.' Only the parties to the marriage can determine this. They must bear the responsibility for the train of consequences which inevitably follows if these covenants are not honored. In my opinion, 'just cause' should be nothing less serious than a prolonged and apparently irredeemable relationship which is destructive of a person's dignity as a human being." Let me also say that I do not share this quote to place blame or point fingers in any way. The simple fact is that I have been fighting a losing battle for many years and I feel lighter in knowing that I am now putting that battle behind me. I continue to pray for my family, all of them, daily and will never stop that practice.

All that being said, I still love my (soon to be) ex and am grateful for the things he brought in to my life, especially our three girls. I will always care for him. We have shared life day in and day out for the last six and a half years. But, I also know, beyond a shadow of a doubt that it IS time to move on with my life. I have given all I had to give and now it is time to replenish me, to be a better woman, a better mother, and a better daughter of a loving Father in Heaven. I know that it is in and through His help alone that I can heal and become stronger in the end.

Now, aside from that, we had a blast tonight. We had some friends over for dinner that are moving to Germany at the end of the week. We won't even go into how jealous I am about that whole thing. But, we had italian chicken and apple strawberry pie. It was divine. Then the boys played on the computer, the kids all played together, and I made a few more bows for Beth. They are coming again tomorrow night and I will try to get a picture before these wonderful people go globe trotting. I'm grateful to know them, and to have wonderful people, all over the globe, in my life. I truly am blessed, even in the midst of trials.

An Attitude of Gratitude

Today I was touched, as always, by our beloved Prophet, President Thomas S. Monson. He is the one appointed by the Lord at this time to lead and guide this church and the affairs of Heavenly Father's kingdom. He admonished us to continue always in gratitude, reminding us that to be grateful is to be gracious. I truly am grateful for so many things in my life and felt like making a list here might remind me of even more of those things. Feel free to add things you are grateful for in the comments, let's see how big we can make our list!

• The Atonement of Jesus Christ
• Bible and Book of Mormon
• Modern day revelation to lead and guide my life
• Hailey
• Alyssa
• Kimber
• A roof over my head
• Food on my table
• Education and the opportunity to further mine
• Healthy children
• My health
• Strength to endure well day to day
• General Conference and the uplifting effect it has on my life
• A Smile
• Hugs
• The beautiful earth we live on
• Dear Friends that support and strengthen me
• Dear Friends who allow me to do the same for them
• My In-laws
• Safety
• The human body...it's fascinating!
• The Armed Forces of our country
• The Freedoms we enjoy each and every day
• Ears to hear
• Eyes to see
• A voice to sing
• The fact that my needs are met
• I even have some of my wants. :)
• My ability to pray and know that I am heard by a loving Father.
• Answers to those prayers

This list really could go on and on. I have learned, or at least relearned, recently that the simple things in life can and will bring great joy if we take the time to recognize those blessings in our life. Most importantly I know that as we choose to be grateful for all that we have, we will continue to be blessed beyond our comprehension.

Simplicity = Sophistication

Today I had the wonderful opportunity to watch General Conference for my church, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. It is broadcast from Salt Lake City and speakers are chosen from the leaders of the church. I was especially touched by two talks today. The first, by President Dieter F. Uchtdorf. He spoke about simplifying our lives. Mine seems rather hectic lately and I always feel like there is just too much to do. So, I am going to try to follow his counsel and simplify things that are within my control, and then forget about things that are not. My notes include the following:

• It's rather easy to be busy.
• Self worth does not depend on the length of my to do list.
• Any virtue taken to the extreme can become a vice.
• There's more to life than it's speed.
• We must forgo some good things to chose those that are better or BEST.
• Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication. -da Vinci
• Don't get distracted from the fundamentals.
• Amidst the throng of voices and choices, Christ stands with open arms and whispers"Come Follow Me".
• Fundamentals unlock the windows of Heaven.
• Diligently doing the things that matter most will lead us to the Savior of the world.
• In the vocabulary of the family, love is spelled T-I-M-E.

I was so touched by so many things he said and can not wait to reread his talk when it comes out in the Ensign, or on www.lds.org later this week. It really is the simple things we do with our children especially that lets them know of our testimony and also our love for them.

Then, this afternoon I was especially touched by so many messages of faith. The things that are going on in my life right now certainly have the ability to try my faith and push me toward fear. But, I refuse to allow that to happen. I know that I am in my Heavenly Father's hands and that He is mindful of me and my needs. I also know that fear and faith can not dwell together, it simply is not possible. So, I choose FAITH! There was a talk by Richard C. Edgely that was all about making that choice and it touched me deeply. My favorite key points were:

• Choose FAITH - it is the choice of freedom and protection.
• Come & Knock are action verbs, we must do our part.
• Choose faith over fear and over the unknown.
• We are responsible for our own faith and also our lack of it.
• I don't know everything, but I DO know the important stuff.
• Choose to exercise faith and experiment upon His word.
• Witness comes only after the trial of our faith.
• Faith can turn a mountain of doubt and fear in to an abundance of peace and knowledge.

I feel like that last one especially applies to my life lately. Last Saturday I was full of fear, fear of my future as a single mom, fear of how my girls would react to moving away from their dad, fear of going back to school and the list goes on. But, as soon as I was willing to listen to the message that was given to me that night all that doubt and fear was replaced with peace and faith. I just knew that everything would work itself out, that my Father loves ME and has a specific plan just for me. I know He lives and that the Atonement of the Savior covers my pain and removes my fear, if I will give it to Him. Above all, I know He's got me and He always has.

A Day of Joy

It would be SO easy for today to be a day of sadness. It was 12 years ago today that I lost my biggest fan, my best friend, my mother. I still miss her dearly, but now even more than ever, I know she is close and looking out for me. She is there any time I need her and time has not dulled my knowledge of that. I am so grateful to have such an amazing example and woman in my life and pray daily that I can live up to that, and live my life in a manner to make her proud.

It would also be easy to mourn my impending divorce. I have been married for six and a half years and thought, when I first married, that life could get no better. Unfortunately things and people change, but now is not a time for me to mourn. It is a time for me to find joy in my journey. You see, I KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt that my Heavenly Father is watching out for me and will carry me through whatever may lie ahead when I am not strong enough to do it alone. I have been blessed with incredible friends, family and a knowledge of the Atoning sacrifice of my Savior. That sacrifice not only covers my sins and short comings, but can take my pain and heartache away. He has already borne my grief and carried my sorrow, so I do not need to do it alone. I can not explain how that knowledge carries me through the rough moments, days, and weeks. I have also been blessed with three beautiful girls who bring immeasurable joy into my life. For that reason, and so many others, today and every day of this journey can be filled with JOY!